Jokes that will offend a.., p.1
Jokes That Will Offend Almost Everyone, page 1
Index
1- Here we go...
2- Afghan tv Guide.
3- Actual australian court docket 12659.
4- Case of the pregnant lady.
5- Oh My God!
6- The reason.
7- Dating Different women.
8- New College Courses for Men as Prepared by Women.
9- New College Courses for Men as Prepared by Women II.
10- 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant.
11- Things only a Mother can Teach.
12- Things not to say to police officers.
13- Before and After Marriage.
14- 10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should.
15- The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.
16- Great for chat.
17- Tips and tricks.
18- Signs you've grown up!
19- Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards.
20- Things not to Say to the Cop Who Pulls You Over.
21- 13 Reasons Why it is so cool to be a man.
22- Top 10 Signs Santa.
23- Doesn't Like Your Kid.
24- Signs You've Had Enough Of The 90's.
25- Top Ten Reasons To Work An Overtime Shift On The Weekend.
26- Top Ten Signs You Might Be a Frog.
27- Great truths that adults have learned.
28- Men are just happier people.
29- George W. Bush Presidential Library Fund.
30- Things you learn in the movies.
31- Good Bad + Worse.
32- 10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty.
33- What's going on in the car forums?
34- The 3 tragedies in a man's life.
35- Romance Mathematics.
36- Men are better Friends.
37- How to properly place new employees.
38- Good & Bad girls.
39- Before the marriage.
40- Why Studying Is Better Than Sex?
41- Computer terms: Texas translation.
42- Problems with my new computer.
43- Kinds of Sex.
44- You Know You're Gay when...
45- What happens if an insect falls in a cup of coffee ?
46- How old are you?
47- That's some good Scrabble.
48- 5 Secrets to a Perfect Relationship!
49- Handy Tips.
50- You’ve been warned. Heavy Stuff.
51- On Clubbing.
52- Do you have a dirty mind?
53- As I Get Older I Ponder...
54- Why Halloween is better than Sex.
55- Top 25 Signs You're an Iranian Woman.
56- Top 25 Signs You're an Iranian Guy.
57- What a man wants in a woman.
58- What men would do if they had a vagina for a day.
59- What women would do if they had a penis for a day.
60- There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.
61- 10 Tips for effective missionary dating.
62- Men are like...
63- Women's prayer.
64- The geography of a woman.
65- The geography of a man.
66- Dating Vs Marriage.
67- The 10 periods of life.
68- Things Not To Say During Sex.
69- Because i am a man!!!
70- Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women.
71- Types of Girls.
72- What people write in accident insurance claims.
73- Helpful Tips to Make Life Simple.
74- From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this.
75- How to speak about women and be politically correct.
76- How to speak about men and be politically correct.
77- Why Men Prefer Dogs Over Women.
78- Chinese.
79- Amazing simple home remedies.
80- Good questions. Good answers.
81- Dear Tech Support.
82- 50 fun things in the elevator.
83- These are funny, after a drink.
84- Bar phrases and translations.
85- The perfect employee.
86- 63 ways to piss off a cop.
87- Wisdom and questions .
88- Top ten signs.
89- Your family is stressed...
90- Stupid questions.
91- Taking a woman to bed.
92- Genuine GCSE answers.
93- How to hunt elephants?
94- Women – a chemical analysis.
95- Assigning a Gender to Everyday Objects.
96- Doctor, Doctor Jokes.
97- Even More Silly.
98- Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends.
99- The Top 12 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets.
100- New Office Policies.
Here we go...
*As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
*I've tried phoning Stephen Hawking many times but I keep getting his answering machine.
*An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice. The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"
*Two electrons walking down the street. One says, "I think I'm an ion".
His buddy asks, "Are you sure?"
He replies, "Yeah, I'm positive"
Afghan tv Guide
MONDAY
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAY:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says It's Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Infidel Slayer"
WEDNESDAY:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When The Northern Alliance Attacks"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAY:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAY:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
*I finally found out where is the G point. Is at the end of the word: shopping.
*Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"
*'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'Hummm... That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual...'
*After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!
* Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Actual australian court docket 12659
Case of the pregnant lady
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the manopposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well yo
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself."
BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it!
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
*Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President yelled. "That's terrible!"
His staff sat stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sat, head in hands.
Finally, the President looked up and asked,
"Exactly how many is a brazillion?"
*An American and an Iranian board a plane to LAX.
Iranian sits next to American.
American asks: What kind of "ian" are you?
- What?
- I said What kind of "ian" are you?
- I don't understand your question.
- Stupid! Are you Cambodian, Indian or Iranian?
- Oh! I am Iranian.
2 hours passed without a word.
Iranian asks: What kind of "key" are you?
- What?
- Are you a monkey, donkey, or Yankee?
*A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Persians?” The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Farsi. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters... First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and fainting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Farsi, I also didn't realize that Persians read from right to left..."
*A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.
"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."
*What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
- Here come the elephants!
*A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location".
*A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.
*One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.
*A man is dying of cancer. His son asked him, "Dad, why do you keep telling people you are dying of AIDS?"
He answers: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"
*What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,and Panic is when both are pregnant.
Oh My God!
Three Arguments That Jesus Was Irish:
- He Never Got Married
- He Never Held A Steady Job
- His Last Request Was A Drink
Three Arguments That Jesus Was Puerto Rican:
- His First Name Was Jesus
- He Was Always In Trouble With The Law
- His Mother Didn't Know Who His Father Was
Three Arguments That Jesus Was Italian:
- He Talked With His Hands
- He Had Wine With Every Meal
- He Worked In The Building Trades
Three Arguments That Jesus Was Black:
- He Called Everybody Brother
- He Had No Permanent Address
- Nobody Would Hire Him
Three Arguments That Jesus Was Californian:
- He Never Cut His Hair
- He Walked Around Barefoot
- He Invented A New Religion
And Finally, The Proof That Jesus Was Iranian:
- He Went Into His Father's Business
- He Lived At Home Until The Age Of 33
- He Was Sure His Mother Was A Virgin,
- And His Mother Was Sure He Was God
The reason
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
