Something about forever, p.16
Something About Forever, page 16
I pleaded with Fitz with wide eyes. He put a hand on Ethan’s shoulder and jerked him up. I scrambled out from underneath Ethan.
Fitz grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the room. Ethan staggered behind us screaming obscenities at Fitz, but he was too slow to catch up with us.
“You okay to drive?” Fitz asked once we were out of the house.
“Yeah.” Except I wasn’t sure I was. Fitz climbed into my passenger seat. My hands shook as I turned the key.
“Hey, you’re going to be all right.”
I hoped so. I certainly didn’t feel like I would be okay. Thoughts of what could’ve happened flooded my mind. “What would I have done if you hadn’t been there?”
“You’re a fighter. You would’ve gotten out of there one way or another. This was just less messy.”
“Thank you.”
“No problem, but for the record, you should probably avoid Ethan’s parties.”
“Yeah, you don’t have to tell me that twice. I’m done.”
Chapter Thirty
The last week of school was excruciating. It’d only been a week since Nate and I fought, and he wasn’t there thankfully, but Ethan was.
“Hey Philly,” he said, dropping his books on the table in bio.
I ignored him.
Fitz dropped in the seat next to me and immediately distracted Ethan.
Ethan pretended like nothing had happened, but I couldn’t even look him in the eye without remembering how he held me down and wouldn’t let go. I didn’t want to talk to him ever again, and he couldn’t figure out why. Nicki stuck close to me, and Jessica continued to ignore me.
A week later and school was done. Maybe I’d get over Nate by the time next year started. Maybe not.
Fitz already had half of my summer planned for me. That meant hours of rehearsals and filming. The other half of it, I’d be dishing up ice cream at Baskin Robbins.
Nicki called me Wednesday morning and told me she would pick me up for our church activity. I didn’t want to go, but she hung up before I could tell her no.
I thought about escaping before she could pick me up, but I didn’t. Part of me really did want to go, and I didn’t want to wait until Nate was gone before I set foot in church. I’d already let one man keep me from that, I wasn’t about to let another.
“What are we doing tonight?” I asked Nicki in the car.
“Baking cookies, I think. Missed you Sunday.”
“I just didn’t want to face Nate, you know.”
“Yeah, I know.”
We slipped into opening exercises a few minutes late. Nate sat on the other side, chatting with Victor. I nearly spun around and left, but Nicki pushed me into the room. I hadn’t expected him to be there. He was leaving in a week.
“I didn’t know he’d be here,” she hissed in my ear. “But you can’t let him know he chased you off.”
I refused to look his way. Next week he’d be on an airplane, and I wouldn’t have to face him ever again. I’d be in college somewhere far away when he returned.
After our combined prayer and announcements, I headed for the kitchen, but the bishop caught me first. “Lauren, can I talk to you for a few minutes?”
“Sure,” I said, worried.
“Meet me in my office. The door’s open.”
I sat in a chair across from his desk. The bishop came in moments later, followed by Nate.
I stood. Nate took one look at me and glared at his dad. “What’s the meaning of this?”
“I want to talk to you both. Sit.”
I stared at my hands. I had no idea what was coming, but this couldn’t be good.
Bishop looked between us both. “Something’s going on. Would you like to talk about it?”
“No,” I said, but Nate leaned forward.
“Did you know about her past?” he asked.
“What I know or don’t know is not something I will talk about.”
“Yeah, he knows everything,” I said. Might as well get that out of the way.
“Is that why you tried to talk me out of asking her to wait?”
My eyes pricked with tears. This was a mess. Nate hadn’t mentioned that. Maybe the fight before the camping trip had nothing to do with camping.
“No, son, her past has nothing to do with it. In fact, that thought never even crossed my mind when we spoke.”
“Then why?”
“It wouldn’t matter who the girl was. Even if it was Emma, I would have counseled you not to ask her to wait. And let it be known that my counsel to you was as a father, not a bishop. I want you to have a mission free of distractions, and Lauren deserves to date and explore other possibilities before she makes a big commitment. You are going to come back from your mission a different person, and Lauren will grow and change immensely in two years. If, when you come back, you date for a bit and decide it’s right, then by all means, I would welcome Lauren into our family with open arms, but I just don’t want you both pining for one another for two years.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter now,” I said.
Bishop creased his eyebrows. “Why?”
“Dad, you know everything, right?” Nate interrupted. “She’s slept with countless guys, tried dangerous drugs, and she even has a tattoo.”
“So?”
My head jerked up. This was not the reaction I had anticipated.
“So, that changes things.” Nate clutched at the armrests, and his face twisted.
“How so?” The bishop asked.
“I want a temple marriage,” Nate said, and my heart broke a little more.
“And Lauren is more than worthy to obtain that. In fact, right now, I’d say she’s even more worthy than you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Nate asked, anger marring his face.
“You are throwing a lot of judgment on something you do not understand. Lauren has worked through her issues. She turned to the Savior, and He has forgiven her. Who are you to hold that against her?”
I looked at Nate, but he was looking down at his hands, his fists clenched.
I stood. “Thanks, Bishop, but Nate’s made his feelings clear. I’ll see you next Sunday.”
Then I turned and ran from the room.
A small, pathetic part of me wanted Nate to run after me and apologize, but that only happened in fairy tales.
My life was no fairytale.
Chapter Thirty-One
I stayed awake late into the night, thinking. The bishop had been more supportive than I’d expected. I thought about the conversation my sister had with my mom months ago. Had Mom let Dad ruin her eternity? Was I going to let Nate do the same thing? I shouldn’t.
I’d changed, and losing Nate didn’t mean I had to lose everything. I would still go to church, say my prayers, and rely on the Savior. I knew he could take away my pain if I let him, but part of me didn’t want to give up this pain.
Things with Nate were real. My grieving should be real as well, but at some point, I’d get over it.
I let the tears come as I fell asleep.
Mom changed her dress three times while getting ready for church. But we managed to get there on time anyway. It felt weird walking in with my mom and Steve. They sat in the middle, and so I sat with them. Jake ran up to me and tugged on my hand. “Oren, sit with me.”
I pulled him into the pew and hoisted him up onto my lap.
“Jake, this is my mom. I need to sit with her.”
He studied my mom for a moment. “But Oren sits with me.”
“Today I’m sitting with my mom,” I said. “Now, you need to go sit with your mom. I’ll sit with you next week.” That was safe. Nate would be gone.
“He’s cute,” Mom said.
“Yeah, he is.” I had to stop myself from telling her that he was Nate’s little brother. It was so hard to think that we weren’t together anymore.
The prelude music ended, and Bishop Myers got up to speak. Nerves settled in my stomach. It’d been awhile since I’d so publicly declared my faith. In fact, I probably had never done it before. I thought back to the last time I bore my testimony. Maybe when I was ten.
I changed the song at the last minute, and I forgot to tell Sister Spencer. Oh well. It’s not like it would make a difference. Over the last few months, this song had become one I relied on when things got hard. I’d never performed it before, but it felt right. Of all the hymns I’d memorized, this was my new favorite. Yes, this was about Nate, but it also wasn’t.
I stood up in between the speakers and tentatively approached the stand. I had to say something first. This was unorthodox, but I had to explain.
“Many of you know that I was inactive before moving here. My journey back to the Lord has been challenging and yet, easy. I don’t often bear my testimony because I don’t like speaking, but I hope this will suffice. I also hope you all don’t mind that I changed the song. It more adequately expresses the thoughts and feelings in my heart.” I pushed the microphone down and began singing I Believe in Christ.
The entire chapel went silent. The Spirit moved through me in ways I’d never felt before. This was where I belonged. If I could hang onto this feeling and never forget it, that would be heaven. This was my Christmas mixed with the highest peak. This was what I’d been searching for.
Feelings like this were often fleeting. I’d probably spend the next ten years looking for it again. But I’d be closer. It was reachable.
When I ended the song, I met my mother’s eyes. Tears were flowing. For a beat, a peaceful hush settled over the congregation. Then two little hands clapped together, and Jake yelled, “Yay, Oren.”
And just like that, the moment passed.
Shaking, I sat down next to my mom. She put her arm around me and tugged me close. “I’m so proud of you,” she whispered.
The next speaker stood up. “Maybe we could just have Lauren come up here and sing three more songs instead of listening to me ramble.” The congregation chuckled.
I leaned into my mom and tried to reign in my tears. The Spirit was overwhelming. I swallowed, thinking that this is what I was seeking. What I’d wanted when I came back to church.
Operation Feel the Spirit again was a success.
“So don’t kill me,” Fitz said when I showed up at his house a few days later to film.
“Starting with that phrase is never good.”
“I might have recorded your performance on Sunday.”
“Fitz,” I screeched. “That was not to be recorded. What were you thinking?” That was a private moment for me. Sure I’d had it front of a hundred people, but I didn’t want to share it with everyone.
“You’ve been busy, and we didn’t have a video for this week.”
“You put it on YouTube?” My voice rose several notches.
“Sort of.”
“Sort of?”
“I didn’t specifically video you. But over the last couple of months, I’ve always had the camera around when we’re all out. I don’t know, just in case I wanted to use it for something. So it’s just kind of a montage of different videos. Anyway, it went viral.”
“It what?” This was getting worse and worse. I absolutely did not want to be famous. I just wanted to sing.
“Someone threw it up on one of the bigger LDS blogs, then a couple of others picked it up. We had more views on that video than we have on anything else. Our subscribers tripled almost overnight.”
“Show me,” I said. Goosebumps rose up on my arms. This wasn’t possible.
The video started with a group of us walking out of church, laughing. Then, with us doing things we did all the time—eating lunch, playing basketball, and just talking. But it was interspersed with other cool shots. Like the one where Nate picked up a crying Jake and cheered him up. And when we went to the temple, and I was just staring at the front doors. There was even a shot of Nicki and Emma praying about something. By the time the video was over, I was crying.
“That’s beautiful.”
“Thanks. The thing is, the audio is a little scratchy because of where I recorded it. It’s fine, but I was hoping you could re-record with me.”
“Sure,” I said, completely without words. Fitz had no idea what he’d captured, but it was more than I could’ve possibly imagined.
Two days later, early in the morning, a soft knock on my door woke me up. I rubbed my crusty eyes and sat up. My heart ached the most at night and I was still crying myself to sleep.
“Come in,” I called.
Nate poked his head in. “Can we talk?”
“Sure,” I said. My head was still groggy from sleep. “Aren’t you supposed to be on an airplane?” I asked. We hadn’t talked since our fight. Sure, I sang at his farewell, but I avoided him.
“I don’t leave for another couple of days.” He sat down on the edge of my bed and searched my eyes. “You’ve been crying.”
“Yeah, well, I got my heart broken.” No way was I letting him get away with thinking I was fine. I scooted away from him. I wanted him to understand the hurt he put me through.
“I’m sorry. I was an idiot. I shouldn’t have judged you for those things. My dad was right. It’s in the past. I just felt like a fool because you didn’t tell me anything. It took me some time to process through that. Your past is what makes you who you are, and I still love you.”
“You think you can just come in here and say those things, and I’ll come crawling back into your arms?” Maybe he was more of an idiot than I thought.
“No, but I had to try. Dad told me you probably wouldn’t want me back.”
“You know your dad is a pretty wise man.” I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t. My heart was still in pieces. It was one thing for him to come say he was sorry, but he was getting on an airplane in a couple of days. It wasn’t like we’d be able to resolve anything.
He shifted on the bed. “He is—but not about everything.”
“What do you mean?”
He held out his hand, the necklace sitting in his palm. I stared at it, unsure of exactly what I wanted to do. Nate had judged me harshly and unfairly. Here, he was acting like it was all just okay.
Just then, I did something stupid.
I looked into his eyes.
There was something between us that was undeniable. I felt it every time I looked at him. Our souls connected in ways that I wasn’t sure I’d ever find in a person again. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t deny that he was my forever. Maybe that’s why things had hurt so badly.
Sure he’d messed up. But then again, so had I. I should’ve told him the truth, but it wouldn’t be the last time one of us would do something dumb. I wanted this. I wanted to love him and to fight with him and to spend the rest of my life growing our friendship.
I nodded and reached for the necklace. He moved to help me put it on.
“I’m going to miss you,” he said.
“Me too. But at least I’ll have Jake.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, Mom told me you’re about to become the official babysitter.”
He ran his thumb against my cheek and leaned down.
“Wait,” I said.
He jerked back. “What?”
“I need to brush my teeth. Morning breath, you know.”
He raised his eyebrows, and I scrambled over him. He caught me on the way to the bathroom, his fingers running along my back in between my shirt and shorts just where my tattoo was. I froze.
“I can get rid of that eventually.”
He wrapped his arm around my waist and spun me around, pulling me into him.
“Nope. It’s a part of you now.” His eyes met mine. “I’m going to miss you, you know.”
“Me too.”
“Will you write me?”
“Every day,” I promised.
He leaned in and brushed my lips with his.
“Forever is a long time. You sure you want to be stuck with me?” I asked.
His expression suddenly got serious.
“Yes. Forever is exactly how long I want to be stuck with you.”
Epilogue
Epilogue
One year later
Hey! It’s me again. I hope you enjoyed my story. It’s not over yet. That’s the beautiful thing about forever. It changes. All the time. And in my case, it changed for the better, though the year after Nate left wasn’t exactly easy.
Jessica and I became friends eventually. She and I are going to be roomies up at BYUI in January. I know. I never saw that coming either. She has her own story. Maybe someday you’ll get a chance to read that too.
Currently, I’m on an airplane bound for New York City. My dad got a place there a few months ago. I’m going to audition for every off Broadway play I can. That dream is still alive. Chances are, it won’t happen, but I never thought my YouTube channel would take off either. Fitz is extremely disappointed I’m leaving. So I introduced him to Shana, and now Nicki’s all jealous because Shana is gorgeous and spending hours alone with Fitz.
I earned a ton of money babysitting Jake. He cried harder when I left than when Nate did. I told him I’d be back when Nate came home, but there was no consoling him.
I still write Nate every day.
Sister Myers told me that she’d still love me even if I met some cutie in New York and Dear Johned Nate. I told her that wouldn’t be a problem.
He is my forever. I know that, and no one is going to change that.
The plane’s about to land. I have my first audition tomorrow morning. Wish me luck.
See ya on the other side,
Lauren
Acknowledgments
This book has been a whirlwind of emotions and inspiration. Lauren spoke to me in ways most characters do not. She popped into my head and would not leave me alone. And so I wrote her story. I hope you enjoyed it.
A big thanks to the following.
President Davis and Bishop Lotti, thanks for answering my questions even though they were for a fictional character. I have great respect for you and your callings and the work you do.
