I shook my head. Nate was too good for me.

  Chapter Ten

  I waited outside the bishop’s office after church. The halls were buzzing with conversation, and Nicki had asked me to come over, but this appointment had already been scheduled. My stomach was in knots, and my throat felt tight. Maybe I could get out of there without telling him anything bad I’d done.

  The door opened, and Bishop Myers waved me in. He sat at his desk, and I sank into a chair across from him.

  “Finally, Lauren. I thought we’d never get a chance to talk.” He smiled, revealing the same dimples Nate had. I couldn’t even look at him without thinking about Nate. Nope. No way I’d be confessing today. I’d just tell him about my family and see about working my past out on my own.

  I squirmed in my chair. I’d been avoiding him because I knew that once I got into his office, I wouldn’t be able to help but open my mouth. Bishops had a tendency to do that to me. I always told them way more than I should. Today probably wouldn’t be any different, but I wanted him to like me.

  “I know. Sorry.”

  “So, tell me a little bit about your family. I got your records. Your mom’s came as well. Is your stepdad a member?”

  These were easy questions to answer. I let out a sigh. This wouldn’t be too bad.

  “No.”

  “What about your dad? Your records show that you are still sealed to him.”

  I wanted to throw up in my mouth. Bishop Myers had no clue what I’d gone through. This wasn’t what I came in here to talk about.

  “My dad should be excommunicated.” I didn’t mean to say it with such venom, but it was true. He’d ruined my life, and even though he tried calling many times over the last couple of years, I never answered. I couldn’t talk to such a homewrecker.

  Bishop Myers raised his eyebrows. “Do you want to talk about it? I want to make sure your time with our ward family is positive. I can do that better if you tell me your story. I’ve got all afternoon.”

  He reminded me a lot of Bishop Wells. I ran to his office every time something went wrong. He was so understanding and loving. I couldn’t even face him after what my dad did. Not that he reached out. Couldn’t blame him really.

  “Two years ago, I found out my dad was sleeping with the bishop’s wife.”

  I waited for his reaction, but I didn’t find any. Frustrated, I plowed on. He didn’t understand how serious this was. “It was the worst day of my life when I found out. I couldn’t go back to church and face all those people.” All they would see was that I was part of the problem. The family that ripped apart our little ward. I hated him for what he did. That hatred sat deep in my chest.

  “But you’re here now,” Bishop Myers said in a soft voice.

  I twisted my hands. “I know. I guess… I just missed the Spirit. ”

  “How long has it been since you’ve been to church?”

  “Two years.”

  He rubbed his chin. “That’s a long time. I would’ve never known. How’s your relationship with your stepdad and mom?”

  “Fine. Mom won’t come back to church, obviously. Steve is nice. But he smokes, and that bothers me, but I can’t do anything about that. He makes my mom happy.”

  “Well, we’re glad you’re back. We’re going to do baptisms in a couple of weeks. Would you like a temple recommend interview? No better place to find the Spirit.”

  My skin flushed. Nope. There was no way on earth that I’d pass an interview. I wasn’t sure I could answer a single question with the right answer. Have I kept the Word of Wisdom? Big nope. Pretty sure all the alcohol and drugs I’d consumed in the last two years went way beyond what was okay. Do you keep the law of chastity? Yeah, not even close. This was going to be a disaster.

  “Um. No. I’m not worthy.” This was where I would spill all that I shouldn’t. At least he gave me an opening. The words still felt stuck in my throat. Everything I needed to say.

  “What makes you think that?” He asked with a frown.

  I was sure he thought I was overreacting. I did when I was twelve. I once told the bishop I couldn’t take the sacrament because I forgot to say my prayers before I went to bed. Bishop Myers had no idea what he was about to hear.

  “I kind of went wild after my dad. I partied a lot.”

  “Would you care to elaborate?” He was so freaking calm and patient.

  “I drank a lot.” I could practically taste the alcohol on my lips. I dropped my eyes. I couldn’t talk about this next thing. “I’m not a virgin anymore.” I didn’t like thinking about that night. I couldn’t smell Axe anymore without remembering.

  I was scared to look Bishop in the eyes, but saying the words was such a relief. Like I’d just gotten rid of a burden I didn’t even know I was I carrying. My shoulders felt lighter, and that knot in my stomach loosened.

  “Well, you are on the right path now. Let’s see what we can do about getting you a temple recommend back.”

  I jerked my head up. “You’re not angry.”

  “Why would I be?”

  “Because I’ve ruined everything. I’ve given away my innocence. Multiple times, in fact, with way too many guys. I’ve done things I can’t even remember. You know I woke up with a tattoo one day, and I don’t even know how I got it.” There went my mouth. With every word, I felt better, and he wasn’t even disappointed.

  “It’s not ideal, but that’s the beauty of the atonement. I’m just glad you are here now. You can repent. I expect you’ll learn a lot about the mercy of the Savior. We all have to go through it at some point in our lives. We learn to rely on Him for everything. You’ll just do it a little earlier than most of us.”

  I let out a breath of relief. “What’s next?” I asked. This was way easier than I thought it was going to be.

  “I’m going to give you a few scriptures to read and the book, The Miracle of Forgiveness. We should meet once a week until you’ve earned back your temple recommend. Really, this is between you and the Lord. You need to pray and confess to him. Listen to the Spirit. Most importantly, you’ll need to learn to forgive yourself. That’s the hardest step.”

  “Can I take the sacrament?” Nerves danced across my stomach. I didn’t want to have everyone know I wasn’t worthy.

  “You’ve begun the process, and you are no longer living in sin. If you feel comfortable taking it, then I see no reason why you can’t.”

  “Thank you for being so understanding.” Everything felt so amazingly different. Though my chances of dating Nate were probably shot—this was good. I’d be able to work through all my issues.

  “I know this all sounds easy, but it’s not. Once you start digging through things and facing your demons, it will be hard, but remember the Lord is with you. You said you’re missing the Spirit. What brings the Spirit to you?”

  “Church and music.”

  “Okay then, one more thing. I want to you to memorize hymns. As many as you can. That will help.”

  I officially had support in my mission to feel the Spirit again. This was awesome.

  The first time I went to a party I had no idea what to expect. I started high school after the summer when my dad did the unspeakable. I didn’t know most of the kids, but Cherise had invited me to a back-to-school party. I jumped on it because my old friends were all at church, and they didn’t speak to me anymore.

  I didn’t know this at the time, but Cherise was wild. Probably the worst person possible for me. But she was loud and bubbly and took me under her wing. My best friend before had been the bishop’s daughter, and of course, she wouldn’t talk to me.

  I often wondered why I found Cherise. There were hundreds of girls in that school that I could’ve befriended. Girls that weren’t partiers. But Cherise found me and led me away. And I went willingly.

  The night of the back-to-school party, Cherise took one look at me when I arrived at her house and hauled me into her closet. She put me in a cami and a miniskirt. I’d never felt so undressed before. I kept my arms crossed across my chest, and I tugged on my skirt until Cherise put a beer in my hand. That was my moment of choice. If I hadn’t drunk that beer, I might not be where I was now.

  “Relax a little. We’re supposed to be having fun,” she said with a wave.

  “I’m not wearing any clothes,” I hissed.

  She just laughed. “Drink, you’ll feel better.”

  I didn’t even think before drinking. Cherise said drink, so I did. The beer tasted awful, but I drank it anyway, and then I drank another one to chase away the guilt from the first. Only then did I feel more relaxed. Then Cherise saw her boyfriend, and she left me. I drank another beer, and a boy from my World History class took the seat next to me. Nothing good happened after that.

  He wouldn’t even look at me on Monday.

  But he was sure ready to pick up where we left off at the next party.

  Three weeks later, Cherise introduced me to Jell-O shots, and that same boy, smelling strongly of Axe, took my virginity. I didn’t even remember it.

  For two years that was my life. Cherise lived for the parties, and I went with her. We even started going to a few parties at the university during weeknights. I was hungover at least two or three times a week. I didn’t even know how many guys I’d slept with.

  I wasn’t sure how much Mom knew. Steve was the one who bailed me out when I needed help. He held my hair when I puked my guts out after a particularly long party. He talked to me a lot about being responsible, but that he wouldn’t stop me. He was the one who brought me to Planned Parenthood when I thought I was pregnant.

  I wasn’t. But that was an eye-opener for me.

  Two weeks later, Mom announced we were moving.

  Maybe God’s hand had been in this from the beginning.

  Maybe he knew exactly what I needed.

  Chapter Eleven

  Nicki bounced on her toes next to Fitz. “Did you get a dance card from Bishop?”

  I brushed my hair behind my ear. He’d given me one during the activity on Wednesday. I was surprised he thought I was safe to go to the dances, given my past, but I wasn’t about to argue with him.

  “Yeah.” I pulled an apple out of my bag and took a bite. We weren’t supposed to eat in the hallway, but I forgot to eat breakfast. This was a good apple, juicy and full of flavor. Mrs. Hendrix came around the corner, and I ducked behind Nicki.

  She spun so she faced me. “Yay. Dance on Saturday. Fitz, you’ll pick us up about seven?”

  “Yes. You’re not going to any dances without me.”

  Nicki giggled. “Yay. Gotta go. See you two later.” She gave Fitz a sloppy kiss and then escaped down the hall. Fitz watched her go, his face completely smitten.

  “So you go to the dances with her?” I asked Fitz, as we walked into class.

  “She thinks they are fun.”

  “Do you?”

  He shrugged. “They’re alright. The music’s good.”

  Ethan sat next to me and pulled his chair close. Butterflies danced in my stomach. “Did I just hear that you’re going to miss another one of my parties?”

  I gave him a fake smile. “Yeah, sorry.” Then I remembered the conversation Nate and I had on Saturday. “Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you. Nate seems to think there is something going on between us. Any idea why he would ask me about that?”

  Ethan scowled. “Myers has a big mouth.” He turned on his smile again. “But for the record, if you want there to be something going on between us, we can definitely arrange that.” His fingers crept over mine.

  I pretended to think about it for a moment. “You’re going to have to work harder than that if you want me.” I slid my hand away and winked.

  I was playing with fire, but I didn’t care. Flirting with Ethan was fun and harmless really, but if he asked me out, I would definitely turn him down.

  I’d been trying to keep things quiet. I didn’t want any drama. So far, I’d done a pretty good job. Ethan would invite drama and would lead me down the opposite path the bishop was helping me walk.

  School here was quiet, Bishop made it easy to keep my problems on the down low, and I was getting along fantastically with my mom and Steve. This was a nice, drama free life.

  On the way to choir, my phone buzzed. A new notification from Cherise on Snapchat.

  She hadn’t sent me anything since I’d left, and I hadn’t looked at it in a long time. I didn’t know why I even kept the reminder of my previous life. If someone picked up my phone, even on accident and stumbled upon it, I would have a lot to answer for. I held my finger down on the app and deleted it. Then, just to be thorough, I did the same thing with Facebook and Instagram.

  There was one more way to keep my life peaceful. This was good. Feeling infinitely better about myself, I walked into choir.

  Drama found me anyway.

  It wasn’t my fault. Okay, maybe it was a little bit, but I can’t help if some girls got insanely jealous of my abilities. And really, any sort of artsy class invites drama.

  So my drama started in Choir.

  I was rocking back on my chair chatting with one of the freshman who somehow made it into show choir. Well, not exactly somehow. She’s wicked talented. She could rival me. But Harrison never gave solos to freshmen. They always went to juniors and seniors no matter how talented the underclassman were. Shame. I’d love to do a duet with Shana, even if she did smell like an herb shop.

  Jessica was not one to get furious. Okay, maybe she was, but she was a sneakier mean than most people. She was sugary sweet, but if you turned your back, she’d poison those sweets. She reminded me of Delores Umbridge. So when she came out of Mrs. Harrison’s office with her face five shades of pink, I knew I was in for it.

  Her fists clenched, she stormed up to me.

  “You…” Jessica spit out and stomped her foot. She hovered over me. I should probably feel threatened, but this was one fight I’d knew I’d win. Maybe I liked drama more than I thought I did.

  “I what?” I asked, knowing full well what this was about. But I was going to make her say it.

  “There are only three solos this semester…”

  “And?”

  “You got two of them.”

  “Yeah, I know. Did you come to congratulate me? Thanks.” So this was out of character for me, but Jessica was so snotty all the time. I was just giving her back some of what she gave.

  “Ugh! No, I did not. Those solos were mine.”

  “Oh really? Since when? Cause last I checked they were mine.”

  She narrowed her eyes at me. “You can’t just come in here and take the good parts.”

  “Actually, I can. I’m not going to apologize for being better than you. Besides, you got one solo, so you should be happy.”

  She held up her music, and for a second I thought she was going to hit me across the face with it.

  “I got the lame one.” She leaned across me to Shana. “Just so you know, that was supposed to be yours, until Miss Witch came in and stole my parts.”

  Shana shrugged. “I’m a freshman. That part wasn’t mine.”

  Jessica spoke through gritted teeth. “We may be in the same ward and choir and whatever else it is you manage to weasel your way into, but we will never be friends, so stay away from me.”

  “Not a problem,” I said.

  She turned on her heel and stomped away. I should’ve just let her go, but of course I didn’t. “Oh, and for the record. Nate is not yours. Give me three weeks, and he’ll be mine.”

  I didn’t really mean it. I had about as good of a shot at getting Nate as she did, but I wasn’t going to tell her that. I just really, really wanted to get under her skin.

  She turned and smirked. “Nate’s way too good for you, honey.” She flicked her hair and trounced away. A sinking feeling settled in my stomach.

  Her words bothered me for the next few classes, and I was still dwelling on it when Ethan came into chemistry ten minutes late, with a pass and an ice pack on his face.

  “What happened?” I asked when he collapsed next to me.

  “Nate,” he growled.

  “What’d he do?” Oh this was so about me. Geesh. What happened to not drawing any attention to myself?

  “He punched me,” Ethan said, lowering the ice pack to reveal purpling skin around his eye.

  I gingerly touched it. “Why?” I didn’t want to know the answer. Not really, but I had to.

  He leaned closer, his face irritated. “I’d really appreciate it if the next time you decide to flirt with me, you inform me that you’re already taken.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean? Nate and I are no more together than you and I are.”

  “Could’ve fooled me. You might want to tell him that he’s not your boyfriend.” He flashed a smiled and grabbed my hand. “Better yet, let’s prove it to him. Philly, come out with me tonight. I know you’re not doing anything.”

  “What… like a date?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I… I… can’t.”

  He scowled. “That’s what I thought. Say all you want that Nate isn’t your boyfriend, but you aren’t willing to risk pissing him off.”

  The teacher finished handing out papers and started to talk. Ethan leaned back in his chair. I crossed my arms, confused. Nate was not my boyfriend, and he should not be acting like it. Well, unless he actually wanted to make it official, which, as far as I knew, he’d given me no indication of that.

  After chemistry, I stormed up to Nate’s locker. He pulled out a book and looked at me. He didn’t seem any worse for the wear.

  “I’m surprised you’re not suspended,” I said, trying to hide the venom in my voice. I shouldn’t be angry, but this was uncalled for.

  “That’s because Ethan’s not a narc. He told Coach he ran into a locker. I should be though.” He scowled.

  “Why does he think you’re my boyfriend?” A teensy part of me wanted him to tell me that he wanted to be. Okay, maybe a big part, but that was completely unrealistic.

 

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